I don’t like the numbers and the decimals. I like long, drawn out things and constancy. Tomorrow is a long(ish,), full day I am excited for. And I wish for some honesty. I wish I could be wholly honest but that is not the expectation, the expectation is only to be kind, and firm, and as transparent as kindness can be sometimes.
Talk to those people you’ve wanted to, but hadn’t because you weren’t able to twist the words out because you left it so long.
Ben and I broke up over two months ago now and living together is like wearing a favourite outfit which just doesn’t quite fit. The space is filled with my refusal to tidy up versus the stress of a messy flat.
Be kind. Tidy the flat. And maybe, just maybe I should do something proactive and useful. Calendar, perhaps?
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Today
Swollen throat today. Sounding very much like an excuse. Feeling sorry for myself, but still – still – pointedly buying a single ticket because I will be cycling home. I’ve been looking for somewhere affordable for myself to live from July. In Oxford. It doesn’t exist. Not being in a couple is hard in more ways than the tears and numbness.
No urge for coffee, just yet. 4 days now! One of those creeping necessities I wasn’t quite aware of until cutting it out left me unable to function on the high puppy energy I’d been used to.
Interviews, trial shifts, training, and feeling blessed my manager is also a best friend.
I’m covered in glitter again.
I am still calendar-less. I cycled home and dreaded it. I made it all the way up the hill, And when I got home I had to hold my bike and hold my chest whilst swallowing the beautiful fresh air and I realised I do enjoy the cycle up. I always do once I’m home.
Keeping a friendship going is so hard when they’re your past love. When they’re sad and you want to hold them like you would a friend but you know you shouldn’t, and when sleeping on sofas, sharing an intimate space, cooking for each other, eating together, doing each other’s washing, silently dealing with each other’s bullshit, just feels a bit strange but not strange enough.
The flat is cleaner.
This project will be an exploration of my anxiety around fulfilling my own expectations of myself. Of actually fulfilling expectations and of letting myself down over avoiding the simplest of tasks.
I often find the smallest of tasks difficult, and put off all the things I’m capable of, or could be capable of. For no reason. For the reason of ‘I work hard at some things and those things are pretty good’ and I hate myself for not doing more. So I must teach myself to become more, to do more. But also teach myself that I still need to love myself, even when I’m not doing more.
This daily project is a note to myself, asking me to fulfill certain tasks the next day – shopping lists, reminders to eat breakfast, inspiration, mood goals. We will see how each day goes.
A Vegan Adventurer 