I guess I’ve been pretty quiet about what’s going on with me recently. Just lots of lunch pics on instagram, vagueness about what I’m up to, and sharing when I’m feeling positive and staying quiet when the negativity has been overwhelming.
Well it’s been an interesting 2017, so far.
- I’m dating somebody really wonderful (I think? I don’t know. I’m a bit suspicious of anything romantic). Can we believe this is the first time I’ve ever actually dated somebody?
- I have a new job. Working admin for a loans company, and writing some blog articles, too.
- I’ve been living in a hotel room in Solihull these past couple of weeks. It’s been a little lonely, a little boring, and I’ve eaten way too much food because it’s all free.
- I’ve been noticing, with analytic interest, my terrifying mood swings and how quickly I can go from “yep I’m ready to die” to “okay okay life is going to be great.”
It’s all, in general, felt like a step back. Many steps backwards. Some things are great: the people in my life are magical, my job is well paid, I work with lovely people. But, I have that uneasy feeling that all the experience I’ve had these past years has been for nothing. But then, I also have that feeling that taking a step backwards is an experience in itself, and something I need to do to come out stronger, better, and a little more humble.
It’s hard though. Being at a point in your life where you take a look at yourself objectively and go “where the fuck did it all go wrong?” and realise “oh yeah, I know exactly where it all went wrong.”
Writing is always what I’ve wanted to do. Stories, blogs, diary posts, whatever. But, for some reason it’s the thing I’ve always hated because I’ve been absolutely. terrified. of doing it and sharing it. So, I did my degree and then went off abroad to teach, I’ve tried to blog but not written anything of substance, I’ve worked in retail and loved it but also known it wasn’t what i wanted, I’ve made awful relationship decisions that have ruled my happiness.
Of course, I know that everybody gets moments like this. So many people look at where they are and know they can do better, but when you’re in that moment yourself, it’s all consuming and everybody else seems like they have it made.
Is going backwards to move forwards a thing? I fucking hope so.