Why share? Why? Why type your life out and click a button, waiting for people to read? I don’t know. But I know that when I do write, the fog lifts a little.
When you’re in a good space it’s important to enjoy it. You don’t want to be thinking about “when am I gonna next feel like the worst” all of the time. But, but but but… it is important to utilise some of your productive clarity time to help out future-not-okay-you.
When you told me
“I’m on your team”
I believed that
You would not leave, and
I keep reminding myself
that you are the real deal, and
could stick around.
Oooooh I was getting close! But, I’m back! And refreshed! And I’m not burned-out. Yay! Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling a little emotionally fragile (more so than usual, anyway) and so I took a step back from my various activities and commitments to just do less. What is ‘burning out’? 1.”My […]
And by no means has ‘recovery’ been perfect. I managed to get myself into a nightmarish relationship straight afterwards, was further emotionally traumatised by Will.. uhh I mean Bill, and ended up quitting my whole life in Oxford. But, at no point since Recovery Day no.1 did I reach the lowest ever again. Why?
Because I knew I could fucking handle it.
I am a tentative waterfall who really does know its way after all,
and the warmth of the rocks I flow over, it’s calling to me
Bhrahami invoked; vibrations spill from my mouth and my fingertips.
Mountain strong, legs of supporting stone,
and shoulders of elastic. They carry me forwards.
And I’m not in control.
I know that, but
I feel okay, okay on this roller coaster
with its faulty harness
and its loosening screws
The dark clouds overhead are threatening to
electrify the metal track
and throw us into a darkness.
There’s no photos, no eloquent writings or suicide notes from the night, or the day after. Because it wasn’t glamorous or romantic, and I didn’t sit and cry beautifully and write loving poetry to my family. I didn’t take selfies or photos of my drip in the hospital and I wasn’t able to live blog […]
I know it should worry me
but the sickness it bubbles up and not eating isn’t the most important thing, right now. I don’t care, I don’t care.
Desperate for sleep, with a dancing mind. Flinging itself
into each and every corner of my skull. Just to say
i’m here, and I’m not quite done. I’m not quite ready to rest. I still have some dancing to do.”
Breathe. There has been a lot. Of everything. Of those moments you’re so, so busy thinking about something that you’re not breathing. And a panic you don’t even notice or feel builds up but it’s numbness, you don’t seem to need to breathe. Only think. Tomorrow I will breathe, and I will do my job […]